I’ve become so comfortable lately with how I’m living. Not stressed or worried. I’m so fortunate.
Regardless of people or things in my life, I have everything I need right now in front of me. I am truly blessed and not in a cliché sense but really blessed.
I’ve been learning to develop my own coping mechanisms for dealing with my PTSD without the help of any medications until I meet with a new psychiatrist and get evaluated for a medication possibly if I feel up to re attempting meds.
I go back and forth with that thought. I’ve done great with out meds, but there are those moments when I feel this impending doom hovering above me, and crashes on me. It has been less frequent which i am happy about but it still stops me from time to time from doing things I once liked.
Such as speaking to other people and socializing in general. My trauma has stopped me from trusting those around me. Those people who I haven’t built up a comfortable level yet. That never happened before my PTSD became full fledge. Now it’s become an intruding thought that begins to manifest into physical symptoms and it can’t stand it.
It’s probably a coming of age feeling because I feel a lot of twenty-something’s feel that way but I wouldn’t really know if they do or not because my social life has been that damaged.
I’m not complaining. I’ve really accepted it. I have support. I have someone who I love unconditionally no matter what and I have parents who despite their differences stayed married because they thought I deserved both parental figures in my life. That’s a great sacrifice.
I just don’t want to exhaust my resources. As much support as I need, they need to be supported too. I just have to get to place to be able to do that for them.
Friends are great. They’re a luxury not a necessity. I can survive.
A happy, healthy, transcendent Hilary is more important. Time to get back to me.
Thanks for reading.